There are a lot of unhealthy things that I do when I have a crush on someone.
FIRST STEP: MEET BOY.
This can happen in a couple different ways. My past infatuation history is as wide and varied as my taste in cheese. I’ve had crushes on boys I worked with, boys I went to school with, and boys who work at Guitar Center. Boys from the beach, boys from the gas station, boys from the Internet, boys driving behind me who I stare at in the rear view mirror who turn out to be elderly Asian ladies.
SECOND STEP: TALK TO BOY.
This is where the grand majority of my possible relationships fail. Sometimes I will just watch my
prey crush from afar, hawk-eyed, other times I will venture a word or two. Attempts at humor will be made quietly to myself, or as an aside to an available friend.
If I have the Gryffindor courage, I talk to him.
When I am lucky, we get along.
THIRD STEP: QUICKLY DEVELOP ENORMOUS CRUSH ON BOY.
You know how this goes. Being aware of their every move, whether they are going to the bathroom or speaking to someone else. Wanting to follow them around just to watch them. Thinking of completely inane things to say just so that you can hear them speak. Jumping up and down in private five hours later when they say something to you. Staying up late to talk to them about anything, usually of minimal importance.
This part is fun.
FOURTH STEP: GENERALLY AT THIS POINT I HAVE TO GO FOR SOME REASON. THE PROFESSIONAL/ACADEMIC/SOCIAL EVENT IS OVER, OR I AM SLEEPY. USUALLY I AM SLEEPY. WE SEPARATE.
If the boy is lucky, we are already friends on Facebook/I can easily friend him on Facebook and they are unlikely to see the majority of my crazy.
If the boy is unlucky and they aren’t already friends with me on Facebook, they are subject to a controlled spiral of increased obsession.
FIFTH STEP: I ENSURE THAT THE BOY IS A DECENT HUMAN BEING USING THE INTERNET SO AS TO SAVE MYSELF POSSIBLE HEARTBREAK. ALSO I FIND PICTURES OF THEIR EX-GIRLFRIENDS. ALSO I GO THROUGH ALL THE PICTURES OF THEM THAT I CAN FIND. ALSO I FIND OUT IF THEY WERE ON THE TRACK TEAM AND WHAT PRIZES THEY WON THEIR SENIOR YEAR.
It’s pretty simple. I start with Google and Facebook, depending on what information I have. If I have their first and last name, it’s pretty simple. Sometimes I’ll have an email address, or a mutual friend.
The less information I have, the more determined I become.
In a purely hypothetical situation, if I had someone’s phone number, I could reverse look up their number, or put their number into Facebook to see if they’ve written it anywhere public, or I could just fucking text or call them.
I generally pick the easy route.
A year ago, I met a guy who worked at “Guitar Center” whose name was “Hyacinth” (I’ve cleverly covered my tracks) and I just kept searching “Hyacinth Guitar Center Pasadena”. It didn’t work very well. Also his name wasn’t Hyacinth. Gross.
SIXTH STEP: DESPERATELY TRY TO STOP HAVING CRUSH ON BOY.
Why even try, just to face rejection?
SEVENTH STEP: EVENTUALLY GET OVER SELF & BOY.
Maybe he has a mullet & makes this step easier.
EIGHTH STEP: MEET NEW BOY.
I hate everyone.