By This River - Brian Eno from Before and after Science
I am thinking about love again.
I am thinking about what I want out of my life, what I want to do, where I want to be and how I see my life playing out. What kind of people I want to be surrounded by. How to be gentle and generous, how to be kind.
I mean, here’s the thing, let’s be real, let’s take a step back - I think of myself as a genuine and good person. But I am awful at trusting, I never have faith. It seems like a fool’s game. How are so many people taking that leap?
Okay, here’s the grand scheme of things. Let’s take stock together:
I have fingers and toes and hair and healthy skin, healthy teeth. I am able to purchase as many tangerines as I can eat before they go bad. I am wearing shoes without holes and I can get mildly expensive haircuts and and hug my old friends and my family.
These are the things I am grateful for. This is what I get to have. It is a lot.
HOWEVER. (of course, you knew there was a however)
I am afraid of love! I am afraid of letting go. I am afraid because I have been hurt, over and over, for dumb reasons and real reasons and reasons I will never know, I am afraid because I have never been in love, I am afraid because I am tender, easily bruised, and I am afraid of letting someone through all of my defense mechanisms and into my shaky peach of a heart.
I keep reminding myself - it is okay to ask for big things. For big love. For someone who makes me feel like I’m floating weightless in the ocean.