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Brian Eno - By This River
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By This River - Brian Eno from Before and after Science

Hi.

I am thinking about love again.

I am thinking about what I want out of my life, what I want to do, where I want to be and how I see my life playing out. What kind of people I want to be surrounded by. How to be gentle and generous, how to be kind. 

I mean, here’s the thing, let’s be real, let’s take a step back - I think of myself as a genuine and good person. But I am awful at trusting, I never have faith. It seems like a fool’s game. How are so many people taking that leap? 

Okay, here’s the grand scheme of things. Let’s take stock together:

I have fingers and toes and hair and healthy skin, healthy teeth. I am able to purchase as many tangerines as I can eat before they go bad. I am wearing shoes without holes and I can get mildly expensive haircuts and and hug my old friends and my family. 

These are the things I am grateful for. This is what I get to have. It is a lot. 

HOWEVER. (of course, you knew there was a however)

I am afraid of love! I am afraid of letting go. I am afraid because I have been hurt, over and over, for dumb reasons and real reasons and reasons I will never know, I am afraid because I have never been in love, I am afraid because I am tender, easily bruised, and I am afraid of letting someone through all of my defense mechanisms and into my shaky peach of a heart. 

I keep reminding myself - it is okay to ask for big things. For big love. For someone who makes me feel like I’m floating weightless in the ocean. 


Paul Simon - Hearts and Bones
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Hearts and Bones - Paul Simon from Hearts and Bones [Bonus Tracks]

why don’t we drive through the night
we’ll wake up down in mexico


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I Know You - Tokyo Shawn

New Year’s Eve getting ready music.

Here’s to a year of minimal regrets and maximal burritos. 


the sky gone crazy with stars

I am feeling warm and heavy with love today. Los Angeles is stupid beautiful - Instagram perfect palm trees, nonsensical sunsets, very skinny bitches. 

Today I sat in the sun and my hair got so hot it burned, today I went on a bike ride and felt warm all the way through. I wake up when I am here and I’m like, shit, where did all the beauty come from? Was this here all of my life? It must have been. No one else seems astonished. 

And good lord, how does the ocean smell so good? You should bottle that and throw it at people. You should make bringing bottled ocean the norm instead of wine. You should take some home with you, here’s a Tupperware.


I read a lot of advice columns - especially at work and/or when I’m confused and/or when I can tell that my friends are tired of hearing me complain about things - and so much of the advice is like, “Oh. Don’t poke at that. Just leave it alone.”

If only. I scratch at scabs, I pop zits, I get very specific about my eyebrows. I’ve almost gotten into car accidents multiple times because I was peeling my sunburns.

Do you know how bad I am at self-restraint? That’s terrible advice. I’m pretty sure we all know that by this point, to just hang on and wait, but I never have any fingernails and I’ve never been rock climbing and when I have to be patient at the post office or grocery store or whatever I get murderous.

I guess the moral of the story is to just stop reading advice columns. That’s my advice. Don’t take it.


einahpets:

Doing homework together

Reglobbin’ these adorable friends. 
Sometimes when I’m sad I look at a picture of Stephanie on the day she got her adorable puppy Elsa and they are both basically puppies in that photo and while I am mad that I didn’t know either of them existed at that time I am also so happy that they are in my life; basically, that picture cheers me up when I’m in a funk.
This photo is going to go in the same folder (titled “screenshots” for no actual reason).  View Larger

einahpets:

Doing homework together

Reglobbin’ these adorable friends. 

Sometimes when I’m sad I look at a picture of Stephanie on the day she got her adorable puppy Elsa and they are both basically puppies in that photo and while I am mad that I didn’t know either of them existed at that time I am also so happy that they are in my life; basically, that picture cheers me up when I’m in a funk.

This photo is going to go in the same folder (titled “screenshots” for no actual reason). 


My roommate just came outside and asked me how my studying was going and I was just standing in the kitchen watching Monk and eating Chinese food. 


Today is such a grey day - I woke up to the sound of rain, lolled about in my bed, got groceries and made a veggie chili. Then I ate it with a grilled cheese sandwich that I’d added parmesan cheese to. 

Right now, instead of being able to hear the sound of the rain pattering, I am listening to the sound of the leaf blower next door. The rain has increased in intensity and they’re still going and going. I might consider what’s happening right now to be a downpour.

I love days like this - I have no reason to go outside for a while. I have work to do but it’s not pressing. I’m going to go buy some shampoo later, and there was just some thunder and lightning.

God, this is nice.