I have a slight toothache today

the kind of ache that makes me think I’m going to lose a tooth at the age of 23. I’ve reached for my floss four times and just brushed my teeth, even though it’s 3 in the afternoon (and I am a strictly pre-/post-bedtime brusher). I bite down for a moment - it helps, but then I worry that it’s loosening my tooth instead, and later today, it’ll just pop out. 

I used to throw up at the dentist all the time. We’d pull up in the car and walk in, I’d sit in the chair & the second my dentist would put her latex-covered hands in my mouth I’d vomit. I still hate the taste of fluoride but I’m able to suppress that impulse now. 

Once my sister and I were staying at a house my parents were trying to rent out, but it was in between tenants. Her boyfriend was staying over obviously unbeknownst to my parents. A couple hours into the night, my jaw felt awful, a dull, pounding ache that I couldn’t suppress even by pressing my face to cool tile. We ended up calling my parents and my sister’s boyfriend slid out the door. I don’t know why we called them. For medicine, maybe, or I just wanted my mom. 

Right now, I’m biting down on the stick of a lollipop in an effort to alleviate this pain. I don’t remember where they came from, but I’ve had them in my desk drawer for a couple months. I’m not super into lollipops, they’re definitely not my favorite candy, but right now they are providing some relief. Not the intended use.

I am still at school at 9:16 pm and I haven’t eaten in six hours and I’m picking up the slack on a group project because one of my group members is a fucking enigma. At 11:30 this morning, my house was a mess and I doubt that has changed. I am trying to figure out my feelings and I don’t know what’s happening. I haven’t had a beer in a full 24 hours.

However.

This fucking song.

My friend told me about the Majestic Casual YouTube channel and I’ve been listening to it pretty consistently over the past few days and I am so pleased with it sometimes.

I sent Stephanie a gif of a cat. 

“What’s the next?”

“Boys’ and Girls’ Mixed Animal Potato Race, All Ages.”

This was a new one to me. I had never heard of it at any of the big meetings.

“What’s that?”

“Rather sporting,” said young Bingo. “The competitors enter in couples, each couple being assigned an animal cry and a potato. For instance, let’s suppose that you and Jeeves entered. Jeeves would stand at a fixed point holding a potato. You would have your head in a sack, and you would grope about trying to find Jeeves and making a noise like a cat; Jeeves also making a noise like a cat. Other competitors would be making noises like cows and pigs and dogs and so on, and groping about for their potato holders, who would also be making noises like cows and pigs and dogs and so on—”

John Darnielle is basically a very specialized wizard whose magic is turning me into a huge fucking mess. 

I just want everyone to watch this & for Anna to become an Internet superstar. Is that too much to ask?

For future reference—

You deserve someone to like you in full. You are bold and beautiful and hilarious and kind. 

Give people chances. Don’t give them so many that they begin to take you for granted. 

Know who you are completely. Know when things upset you, know when the negatives outweigh the positives, know when you’re losing sight of who you are. Pay attention to how you’re feeling. Delve into the why. 

Basic respect and decency go a long way. Look for people who want the same things. Don’t date people who call dating “the game”. Don’t call dating “the game”. 

Fall in love with yourself and stay there. 

LATELY

Even though I’m feeling very overwhelmed, I have to take a moment to breathe & pay attention to the lovely things in my life: sinus rinses and friends who give me hugs and cake and kisses when I’m sad and other friends whose presence is enough to lift my spirits. Hot lemon tea with honey and chili peppers, scorching my throat as I swallow. Some incandescently beautiful mornings. That squirrel I saw yesterday that was eating a baguette. A lot of free pizza, with more to come.